Cinta ini membunuhku..

Mengapa saat aku baru mengenali kamu,
Kau ibarat milikku?

Mengapa saat aku sudah terpikat akan kamu,
Kau seolah menjauhi diri?

Mungkin ini semua silapku?

Ya Allah,

Mengapa setiap kali,
Perasaan itu dtg, seolah ia milikku,
Tapi ternyata ia milik Kau semata..


Ampunkanlah aku..
Ampunkanlah...

Tiada niat langsung dihati utk melupakanMu..

Setiap kekuatanku datang dariMu..

Hidup matiku hanyalah dgn izinMu..

Tuhan..

Cinta ini membunuhku..

Somebody save me from this madness

I'm running

Running away from this madness

It haunts me whenever I sleep

It haunts me whenever I'm alone

Can you feel it?

Can you feel it when the rain drops?

Can  you fell it when all you see is somebody else in the mirror?

Can you feel it?



No matter how hard I try to run

It will always find me

It will always, always consume me


I screamed so loud nobody hear me,
I cried too hard no tears can define me,

How can somebady save me?

Can you even hear me?

Keeping up with myself because I used to...

Here is the list of things that I was used to ehem be praised at when I was young,

After having much thought, I wont let anyone or anybody tell me I'm not good at it;

Be prepared for the unexpected!


*Drum roll.......







1) Drawing!

When I was around 4-15years old, I was very active in joining drawing/coloring competitions. I may not won anything much in those competitions but it was an achievement to me. Sometimes I just wish I could save all those drawings and keep them for me to see, that I am talented.

I could still remember when I was in London, the teacher called my Dad to show him how talented I am in drawing a rabbit. At that time, I was seldom acknowledge by teachers there since I can't even speak the language at that time (>_<)..

Those were the days I would stay up all night just to make a perfect picture. Nowadays, I'm still working on my talent. I'll post it here once I have a more 'smart' phone.



2. Embroidery stitches

Remember your teenage days you have these small projects made for this certain subject called 'Kajian Tempatan'? I took ERT - Ekonomi Rumah Tangga, which was obviously the only choice back then for typical malay girls. So there I was trying all sorts of things to be different, then wallah! I did it! I would very much try all those trendy beading styles, maybe that way i can create my own wedding dress, ahaks!



3. Writing

Sonnet 18. One of my favourite poems. Yes, I love to write (thus this blog? :P) ....one time when i was 17, my teacher made us write a journal , to encourage us to write our hearts out. I never knew I had it in me anyway but she encourage me to write more of my feelings and how i realte to things surrounding me. I do admit that my writing emotes my mood but well, one does tend to falter a bit right?




Well, I'm planning to sharpen all existing talents and create new ones,
As long as I'm still alive than I guess it wont hurt to try right?

Planning to discover myself by taking the road not yet taken,

Here's a few that I confidently think that I can do..ehem..

1) Singing  *blush
2) Cooking
3) Dancing (just roll your eyes,lol!)
4) Teaching


These are all interesting things to do..
Never ever let anyone downgrade yourself just because they haven't tried it or they think they anything about being real.

Real people walk the talk.
Real people don't act all mature and stuff.
I aim to be real people, for real, haahaha!


Dream big? Hell yeah!

Somehow I feel like the world is mine..

Blessed the first week of Ramadhan..

I have miss this month where I'm all out to be the best I can be..

And alhamdullilah, following the previous year, I'm getting better and being better..

Previous days before Ramadhan, I've felt like I've loosen the grip of reality..I don't know where to start, who's who and keep asking myself why? Sounds delirious? Well that's me.


Alhamdullilah, the first day is just fine..what a fine day...

Hopefully this year's positivity will continue to proceed until the end of year..
I believe so..

InsyAllah..


The up and downs in life will always be there,

But I am always blessed with nice,good natured people who knows the real meaning of life and friends who are always by my side whenever I'm down..love you lots! ...

I know I'm sounding too estatic for Ramadhan but I feel like this month is special!


I can really 'see' human's true nature within this month
I can really 'feel' how unfortunate people feel for even a cup of rice
I can really 'challenge' myself for all the shortcomings that may come trough.

And its nice to know with a little faith, I've come by just fine..

i took a leap of faith, and i survived..

 

 

 

 

I know most of you might think Ramadhan as a challenging month,
I understand it and I wish you all the best cause the best things dont always come easy right?


Yes, its tempting to see delicious food and drinks ...owh how people talk about it!
Yup, you wish 'those' people will stop making a fuss about it!.. ini semua poyo!

I dont blame you at all,
who loves a show off right?

Thus, I can only pray that someday, at any time soon or later,
 you will feel all the best things in this world that we may take for granted.


Hoping you have great days ahead.
Simply little me.

How to save a life?

I dont know why I'm always tempted to write something when I'm in the blue mood..

Currently I'm obsess with songs sang by Hafiz;

I think due to my state of mind, I can easily penetrate the feelings that are protrayed in a song, even if in real life I'm not experiencing it.

My life will turn out well, I have faith in that,
but somehow I cant make people understand how I feel..

Well, practise makes perfet right?

Today, I praised someone out of random,
this person I have not met for how many years I dont remember that he was also surprised.

I feel that right now in this time and age that we need to praise people around us more, to mark up the positivity in the air..

Who knows, with that simple praise, I could make someone day much more happier.

Happy people will make you happy right/

So much people tend to judge so much, they spread a lot of negativity which leads to us feeling inferior with ourselves.

Strong people will brush it away, but some just need support much like any normal person do

It takes faith and hope to make a person strong-willed and not much people have that ability.

I've seen how some freinds of mine broke with such a small force of misfortune, they felt it like a hurricane.

Different people, different experience, different strengh...

Today, I will start to spread out the positive in life

who knows, I might save a life?

I just need to let it out

I hate feeling like this,

Feeling helpless in my own misery...

Seeing others happy doesnt turn out well too..

I tried so hard not to be angry or sad in this matter but it just seem surreal that I dont think I can..

I know parents will unconditionally love you,
but sometimes parents dont understand you too well,
no matter how many years, they'll always treat and see you as little..


Troughout my childhood, I've been belittled in so many ways,

Heck I even forget how to draw anymore, since my Dad once said to me its a waste of time,
I stopped not because of his judgement,
But I was too hurt for not having the support that I need..

even when I said I wanted to be a doctor was not enough, he said I'm too small of a stature that I cant even hold a baby...
he forgot that I took care of my little siblings untill they can walk just fine..

That was my chidhood,

Now, in my adult life?
My mom,
always thinking that I'm too naive about the world,
she forgot I have lived without her then and now,
and I turned out just fine; no smoking, no drinking not even a boyfriend

What more do they want from me?

My chest is bursting right now and I just cant stand to cry alone, but I am

I am in envy my friends are getting happily married, some even had babies,
me? I cant afford the time and courage to find one..
I'm scared that one day, someone might just broke my heart and I just dont care..

It worries me that sometimes I feel too jaded, I cant believe I stood it

I choose to be happy, but I know sadness will always remind me life isnt fair..

I just have to hold on to the fact that some people will never change
Some people changed a lot because they dont know their true self yet..

Some people just keep hurting because they are hurt themselves..

But I just have to let it out, cause I might just cry and forget where I am..

My memories are getting short, and my patience is getting thin

I lash out too much that sometimes I didnt realized it was too much
I get irritated easily and sensitivity is mt best friend

Is this what they called getting old? Who knows..

Keep having faith though, sometimes surprises are just around the corner.

-Smile even when it hurts-

It's been so long- Part 1

It's been so long that I have posted something happy or thoughful,

After browsing troough my old blog's, I've realized I have made a decision not to be happy for a long time...

Yes, people do change with time, but we decide the good and bad..

So here I am, this year, vowing to make myself much more happier, not letting anyone but myself decide what I want to do, or let people downgrade me like they always do...


Life your life they say, so I will...:)


Things do turn out okay when you want it to,
and sometimes I think its best to just let out your anger, rather than trying too hard to be nice.
To me, as long as it's not embarrasing, and for the sake of beterment of the other, why not?
Its much more effective, you get your point across!

Well, gotta go now..

Should try harder to show the positive side of me

Spereading the love! Muah3~

Remember me?

Why is it that I cant seem to forget you,
even when I tried so hard?

Mirrors

"Aren't you somethin' to admire, cause your shine is somethin' like a mirror
And I can't help but notice, you reflect in this heart of mine
If you ever feel alone and the glare makes me hard to find
Just know that I'm always parallell on the other side..."


Every person in this world would love to love and be loved.
Some are so lucky they meet each other within a hearbeat.
I guess I'm not that lucky ...maybe not yet..

But its surprisingly satisfying, seeing friends getting married to their loved ones,
especially most of them are in the verge of parenthood.
I'm proud and sad at the same time.
Because I know things will never be same, you cant spend time gossiping with them as much or hang out much the less.

So many people has fallen in and out of love, but few knew how to appreciate it


I pray that people will start appreciating more and take for granted less.
I pray I will never fall to that sorrow state again.


People are often mislead into the predicament that, we your in love, its from a perfect person.
But sometimes, you think not finding the less perfect is just enough.
The truth is, its not about your partner is able to be perfect, its about you can be the most perfect person you can ever be..
I guess I havent met my reflection yet, since all the guys I've met or introduced, even had one relationship, didnt reflect me enough to make me feel comfortable.
One guy actually was perfect, but somehow I think, after admitting to myself, I did feel inferior being with him.

But alas,

Patience always pays the price.
And Allah is always knowing.
Not matter how sad and lonely you could be, there will always this one thing that always keeps me going,
And that thing is faith...

All the while, I'm searching and I think the most important part is that I have to make sure,
truly and honestly,
That I want to get married to become a better servant, and not just by falling in love..

To friends that are getting married or married,
I wish you my heartfelt congratulations and may you and your partner will stay together always..

"Baby you're the inspiration for this precious song
And I just wanna see your face light up since you put me on
So now I say goodbye to the old me, it's already gone
And I can't wait wait wait wait wait to get you home
Just to let you know, you are"

Of 25 and some

25....another 25 years and I might be a 50 years old lady
witha few children
and a bunch of cats?
Amin~



This year, I'm confident is a good year for me..
Everywhere I go, random people wishes me the best...
Alhamdullilah...InsyAllah...

Who would've thought after 25,
I just knew that I'm allergic to Raspberrys?
That I have few friends that I can count on with my life?
That sometimes, staying in my room, reading a book is just enough?


Just recently, I've finished reading a book;

It was sugested by an ustaz i met when i went to Darul Syifa'

An entertaining book, based on a true story.
It shows that when everything you do,
when you believe,
and youve done your best,
with His permission,
it will come to you..


I believe it's true..
Troughout last year has been a rough year..
Working in a construction site has its ups and downs
People are constantly trying to win your affection...just to get in your pants..
or maybe just so they can be popular among others
or just to brush up their ego among friends..


sometimes when i think about it,
it scares me how easily i can attach myself with people i dont personally know..
how easy of me to just think the best of people without a second thought
was i desperate for affection?
was i too honest for my own good?

i dont know...

but i'm glad..somehow..
i realized it before its too late..
and i am blessed with many friends who would not hesitate to bitch slap me in the face..hahaha!


Right now, i just need to focus on my new career.
to obtan as much money as i can to reach my dreams
however, i'm not sure if its the right thing to do..
but well..i'm old enough to face my mistakes


Pray that I would get married this year,
but I dont have anyone? or should i find someone?
owh well...i still have 9 months to go...
untill next year i'll just ask a few good friends you might know anyone..
desperate? maybe...
but not desperate enough to marry someone just for the sake of it..haha!

thus should you people out there think of me as a suitable special someone to someone you know,
feel free to promote me
Muahahaha!

till then!

Suit & Tie

this new justin timberlake song somehow cheers me up..

Right now, I just feel like shit..
I think I made a mistake..
Well, everybody makes mistakes..

its hard to meet expectations..
i'm just stressed out about it..
and its all because of money..
as how much we try to deny our need of money..
it spits on your face when you actually need it...


Its embarassing enough youve made a typo..
Its even more embarassing when its cc'ed to all the important people in the company..
And when you thought what you did was right, it turns out wrong?

Well, this is what it feels like working for the sake of money..
Hopefully I can survive a few months...
Otherwise, astalavista!

Fraud!

The first time in my life,
I was so desperate!
I have no money!!!!!!

Damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ya Allah, i hope you will help me...
Please Ya Allah....I dont have anymore left...

Please, let them have a heart....let them realize what they did was wrong and they repent.
Please Ya Allah, help me ......

something stupid

i did something stupid...
maybe stupid...
but somehow i'm glad..hahaha!

gotta be more spontaneous!

For Love Day

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.” 

-Bob Marley-

HOME

A few days ago I made a very brave step in my life.
I went home and embrace my past....

A string of events happened before...
It occured to me to have a nice holiday for the long weekend of CNY.
But somehow I was upset by so many things, I cant comprehend the situation.
I want to have a great time, but I have no money to begin with.
My friends are busy doing what they want to do.
He is not an option.
So what was left.

I confessed everything to my dearest friend.
She was so worried about me.
Somehow I thought of going to Darussyifa'
To get my answers straight once and for all.
It turns out....
Suprisingly...
I was just emotionally stressed.....


I was told that every events in our life,
we always have a choice...
Its kinda sad really, when I was asked;
" What makes you happy?"
And all i could think off was; reading books and playing with cats.
So lame!
But anyhow, I realised I'm just being me...
and the happiest day of my life was with someone who just ....dissapear..

I was told just to go home.
What has happened, happened.
And my heart just cant take it, missing my babies and little siblings so much.
In my heart i know that whatever happens, everybody makes mistakes....
And my parents are included...


I know what i did broke their hearts...
I never ever even intended too..
But turns of events have made it worst..
Especially by the ones we trust...

I cant say I've forgiven her.
But I can say I can manage so as to not make a drama.
People dont change easily, especially if its not for the right reasons.
And as you learn they are not trustworthy.Dont ever trust them again.Ever.


Alhamdullilah,
Everything went well..
My love and beauty baby has grown so well and pampered.
My things are kept properly.
My father even locked it, I'm so grateful he understood me.
And I am so grateful he's not that grumpy anymore.

Alhamdullilah....
Hopefully this year would be a good year for me..
InsyAllah...

Missing 29112012

I cant help it....

I'm missing that particular person so much...

Its amazing how troughout your life youve depended so much on yourself, you forgot how it feels like to be treated like well, to me...i feel like a princess...

I never knew how somthing so simple can be so meaningful...

Yes...I know most of my friends might disagree with me, considering the fact that its near a month old absence..but...*sigh....it was so wonderful.....

Today of all days, I keep remembering those moments...

Those special moments that we share....

Those moments where you wish it would never end...

Those special moments where you dont have to care....

I wish i can at least just see him one more time,

just to thank him in person and wishing him all the best in life...

But patience is best right now....

Love is beautiful

New Job New Life

Its nearly a year since I have typed anything in this blog, so much has happened so unexpectedly..

However, the main reason is that I havent had time to update, I had a new job. But right now it became my previous job...Hahaha! How fast time flies...How fast decisions can be made..

My job previously was working at a construction site...Yup..you've read it right, this small girl working at a construction site. I've had so much experience working there I dont know where to start! I've met interesting people, I've fallen in and out of love, I've suffered a minor accident, my trust was cheated (not the first time) , but most of all, I learn to be more strict with others...

Most important of all troughout the experience, I've learn that some people are always , always not as they seem to be...

Some people may drink or womanize but thay can respect you,
Some people may want you to learn on the job, but they just want you to do their job,
Some people show they cared, because they want to get in your pants,
Some people are too much to handle, but somewhat entertaining..

Its sad seeing some people who never had the chance on a single education when I see so many people here dismiss even the slightest advice.

Dearest please always have in mind to be much better than tomorrow,
even if its just a little..

Dont move yourself backwards just because of your stubborness to understand the real meaning of life..

Right now, I'm working in a more casual environment. People are more relaxed here and its a new experience for me.

Maybe this year would turn out better for me, InsyAllah....

" Jangan menzalimi diri sendiri"