Chapter 2: The Betrayal of a Betrayer
It comes unexpectedly.
You never knew it happened untill it's too late and the damage is done.
You try to understand what happened,yet nothing seems to make sense.
You ask yourself why but the answer was still nill.
That sharp knife of betrayal seeps was stabbed in the back but it seeps trough your heart.
You wonder and ponder the excuse but it never seem to matter.
Betrayer's dont need reasons.
They only have selfishness.
We have family.
We have friends.
We have lovers.
We have haters.
But its always the betrayal of the one close to us that hurts the most.
We would never expect it to happen, so maybe thats the reason we never see it coming.
But who would have tought that the person you love and trust would dare to hurt us right?
It happened once upon an evening..
who would have known someone would hurt you so much for a goal that has a low probability of success?
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Dear You (you know who you are),
First and formost, I would like to thank you for doing what you did to me.
I know this may seem absurd since maybe this is what you want because your the kind of person who expect kindness even if what you did was wrong.
So here's my thanks and gratitude for what you did to me,
You had let me see that even family can be betrayars..who would have known right?
The poison that you put within the knife seeps through my nerves soo slowly that I was too late to realise.
So congrats to you for achieving what you want which is;
To bring me down...
Ah yes...I never knew it coming,nope, not a clue..
Honestly I thought our realtionship was getting better and better..
Since I've already just broke up and got a job that was claerly out of my background study with a pay less than I deserve, I thought we had build our relation since it was drifted apart by distance and less communication...but clearly, I was wrong.
You know, I have learned not to bother knowing your reason anymore because what you did has no excuse.
You told me the good news but you spoiled it with your own selfishness.
What I said and did was what all sisters would do when they see someone they care is in stress, but you see, you cant move forward by denying your past.
We had the best intentions. We want the best for you.
But all you see is the easy way but not the right way.
Anything in life,if you do it the wrong way, will always end up wrong.
Your solution was supposed to be simple, to ask me of what I meant, but instead, you choose to frame me.
Its funny for me really when you made as if nothing happened.
Its even funnier that you expect me to smile at you after what you did.
Owh dearest, why do you hate me so much?
Were you satisfied with what happened?
Were you satisfied with all that he said to me?
Was that what you really wanted?
To crush and burn me as long as I live?
Why cant you man up and tell me how you feel?
Instead of always making up stories where you are always the victim?
It always bothers you isnt it when I can live my life with a smile, even when it hurts?
You see,
I've known all along of what you did to me.
Since little I notice how you would be restless whenever anything in life is regarding me.
Its not that I never heard what you say.
Its not that I never read what you wrote about me.
Its not that I never saw what you did.
But just so you know,
I knew...
I knew all about it...
I knew you always say that our parents love me more,
but you never appreciate what they did for you,
I would know because I've been in the same room with you since we were little.
I know being a liar and a hypocrite is one of your uppermost values.
Lying is like breathing to you..
Even if we discover the truth, you would cover a lie upon a lie.
Your lies can be statements, expressions but better yet, stories.
You also have the ability to put yourself in a situation where, whenever things doenst go your way, there's always someone to blame,and amazingly that person would never be you.
I'm always amazed with that talent of yours, because it seem so heartless to be done by someone who is pretty, young and had a good education.
But since we are blood related, I ignored..hoping and wishing you would someday accept me and stop treating me as a competition.
But I was definately wrong.
So here I am right know, in the place you wanted me to be.
But its not enough for you isnt it?
You have to provoke her, hurt her and make her cry.
When will it be enough?
Because from where I sit, you will never be satisfy with me,
untill either if I live as a pauper or I die..
which is it?
Yours sincerely,
Me
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Life should go on I know.
But people should know their mistakes to be forgiven.
No human can stand a betrayal and hug the betrayer.
A normal person would not betray their own fleash and blood but it seems to me the world has changed.
I'm not saying this is the best approach.
But I have the best intentions, and that is to help you realize,
What you did is wrong..
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Monday, January 16, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Chapter 1: Love is blind
It's been 5 months since it happened.The sharp knife of awareness knowing that one day this will happen has happened. It took most of my courage and spirit to did what I have to do, for I do wish things would have gone differently, but I know the most important part is to make sure it ends well.
Some of you probably wonder my current wherebouts and being.
Some of you probably wonder such things could have and happen.
Some of you probably wonder if I'm speaking of the truth.
I couldnt care less about what you think and feel, for my story here is to make sure wat has happened to me, will keep you thinking of how you would treat yourself and others; family or not, in future. For when you treat someone unaccordingly for your own personal reason, nothing would make it right when its done the wrong way.
In this life everyone experience different hardships, but I trust that you know that they always happen for a reason, and never ever have the slightest idea that God is mistreating you, jangan sekali-kali buruk sangka dgn Tuhan,because what youve endured is always within your capability,whether you believe it or not, its true.
These hardships or dugaan can happen in three forms; Kifarah, Bala dan Ibtila'. It's common to be tested with things you find it hard or dislike, but what really bothers me is that most of us don't realize that we can be tested with things we do like and personally, that would be the hardest yet.
If what I wrote further on would bring discomfort to some particular parties, then I'm sorry for the reason I type out all these memories is so to be made a reminder, example or additional knowledge maybe for others who had not have these kind of events in thier life when it actually can happen. I could not forgive myself if I let it left untold.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 1: Love is blind.
The feeling just seeps trough your heart when you are most unaware.
It's not the feeling you get when you have a crush or likeness to a person but rather its a stronger feeling that makes you wonder, 'is this really happening?'
It does and it will...
If not now, later...
It maybe once or many...
It's hard to make sure but it depends on you to find out the certainty of the One.
My first attempt was to do the solat hajat and istikarah. By the end , my heart was set and when it was sure, I could not have been happier since the sadness that has always loom over my life seems to light up a little.
It was a nice feeling. To have someone you can depend, to talk to whenever wherever, its like your reborn to a new kind of world. Your excited beyond words, your happiness is known to others to know you have someone to love and loving you in return.
But who knows what love is really is when youve experiece it first hand though?
When you talk about sunshine, you never knew rain even if its a drizzle.
When your in love, you always forget the most important thing: to love yourself first, above all else. Because you never knew that the person you claim to love will lost and whats left is your broken heart and soul.
Sometimes, you can even see the signs.
The slight lost of interest.
The unneccasry and rude remarks.
The control of things you 'have' to do even if its together.
The 'let down'.
The blame game.
The interest of another particular person.
The immature selfishness and self-centered.
The infidility.
But whats the most hurtful thing is this;
You let him treat you that way.
I have known all the signs, I even dismissed my own mothers advice.
Things got worse.
I even let my guard down, just for the sake of the relationship.
But what kind of relationship is that when you feel so tired and miserable?
How long can you lie to yourself that you are not exactly happy?
Its hard to admit it when you love a person but you happen to dislike him so much.
You'll feel lost and lonely knowing what the future held if it happens.
I cant believe I was wrong. I hurt my pride and stand by doing things I'm not supposed to do just for the sake of another person who clearly does not have the feelings that I have in return. I have had enough of the so called your-guilty attitude, the let down to show how incapable I am. I was so sick and tired of it I just bind my time for it to happen.
I was wrong for believing that change can happen for me because you cant change a personality.
I was wrong for believing that I let my guard down, because what I felt isnt what I actually feel.
I was wrong for believing all the warnings and ache in my heart are just my selfish needs, because i know i
deserve to be treated better.
I was wrong for believing that things might change for the bettermet if I just give up myself to be what he wanted me to be.
I was wrong for believing that I fell in love with a person that I can respect.
I was wrong for a lot of things...
But through these events that I've realize that it happen because I let it happen.
Always remember nobody knows yourself more than you do, but the blessings of the people around you are also important because they will support you.
You cant discard the signs of him being disrespectful towards your family,
You cant discard the signs of him being disrespectful towards your friends,
Because these particular people will always be there for you no matter what and represent who you are.
I was fortunate because it happen sooner than later.
I was fortunate that it didnt hurt, but rather its more of a relief.
I was fortunate my mother was right.
I was fortunate my heart is stronger than I thought it would be.
Thank you Allah for it to happen.
Its one thing to lie to everyone else that you are happy, but its another thing when you lie to yourself.
Up untill now the thing I most regret is that I lied to myself more often than I should have, I let myself believe its okay to be mistreated when I know what I'm worth. It may sound a bit selfish, but when would it be
selfish if its not disrupting other lives?
I have taken the experience too seriously and look what it brought me, nothing! If the other part is not giving you the treatment you should have, then why bother making them happy?.
Yes, you may say I'm just saying these things just for my benefit but look at it this way;
If he can use/ mistreat you now, who says he wont do it later when he has you 100% in control?
Even if you can live with his mistreatment in a few years, even if you know there is possibility of change, can you live like that for the next say 10 or 20 years of your life?
Can your heart really take it?
Well...what ever relationship that you have right now, may it be the best for you.
Never forget to pray for the best,
and in doubt always have someone who can be brutally honest to confide with.
If you still have the slightest doubt, even just a little, pray to Allah for guidance for He is the All- Knowing.
You would never know your weakness untill it happens,
It is never wrong to fall in love, but always remember, love is blind.
Some of you probably wonder my current wherebouts and being.
Some of you probably wonder such things could have and happen.
Some of you probably wonder if I'm speaking of the truth.
I couldnt care less about what you think and feel, for my story here is to make sure wat has happened to me, will keep you thinking of how you would treat yourself and others; family or not, in future. For when you treat someone unaccordingly for your own personal reason, nothing would make it right when its done the wrong way.
In this life everyone experience different hardships, but I trust that you know that they always happen for a reason, and never ever have the slightest idea that God is mistreating you, jangan sekali-kali buruk sangka dgn Tuhan,because what youve endured is always within your capability,whether you believe it or not, its true.
These hardships or dugaan can happen in three forms; Kifarah, Bala dan Ibtila'. It's common to be tested with things you find it hard or dislike, but what really bothers me is that most of us don't realize that we can be tested with things we do like and personally, that would be the hardest yet.
If what I wrote further on would bring discomfort to some particular parties, then I'm sorry for the reason I type out all these memories is so to be made a reminder, example or additional knowledge maybe for others who had not have these kind of events in thier life when it actually can happen. I could not forgive myself if I let it left untold.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 1: Love is blind.
The feeling just seeps trough your heart when you are most unaware.
It's not the feeling you get when you have a crush or likeness to a person but rather its a stronger feeling that makes you wonder, 'is this really happening?'
It does and it will...
If not now, later...
It maybe once or many...
It's hard to make sure but it depends on you to find out the certainty of the One.
My first attempt was to do the solat hajat and istikarah. By the end , my heart was set and when it was sure, I could not have been happier since the sadness that has always loom over my life seems to light up a little.
It was a nice feeling. To have someone you can depend, to talk to whenever wherever, its like your reborn to a new kind of world. Your excited beyond words, your happiness is known to others to know you have someone to love and loving you in return.
But who knows what love is really is when youve experiece it first hand though?
When you talk about sunshine, you never knew rain even if its a drizzle.
When your in love, you always forget the most important thing: to love yourself first, above all else. Because you never knew that the person you claim to love will lost and whats left is your broken heart and soul.
Sometimes, you can even see the signs.
The slight lost of interest.
The unneccasry and rude remarks.
The control of things you 'have' to do even if its together.
The 'let down'.
The blame game.
The interest of another particular person.
The immature selfishness and self-centered.
The infidility.
But whats the most hurtful thing is this;
You let him treat you that way.
I have known all the signs, I even dismissed my own mothers advice.
Things got worse.
I even let my guard down, just for the sake of the relationship.
But what kind of relationship is that when you feel so tired and miserable?
How long can you lie to yourself that you are not exactly happy?
Its hard to admit it when you love a person but you happen to dislike him so much.
You'll feel lost and lonely knowing what the future held if it happens.
I cant believe I was wrong. I hurt my pride and stand by doing things I'm not supposed to do just for the sake of another person who clearly does not have the feelings that I have in return. I have had enough of the so called your-guilty attitude, the let down to show how incapable I am. I was so sick and tired of it I just bind my time for it to happen.
I was wrong for believing that change can happen for me because you cant change a personality.
I was wrong for believing that I let my guard down, because what I felt isnt what I actually feel.
I was wrong for believing all the warnings and ache in my heart are just my selfish needs, because i know i
deserve to be treated better.
I was wrong for believing that things might change for the bettermet if I just give up myself to be what he wanted me to be.
I was wrong for believing that I fell in love with a person that I can respect.
I was wrong for a lot of things...
But through these events that I've realize that it happen because I let it happen.
Always remember nobody knows yourself more than you do, but the blessings of the people around you are also important because they will support you.
You cant discard the signs of him being disrespectful towards your family,
You cant discard the signs of him being disrespectful towards your friends,
Because these particular people will always be there for you no matter what and represent who you are.
I was fortunate because it happen sooner than later.
I was fortunate that it didnt hurt, but rather its more of a relief.
I was fortunate my mother was right.
I was fortunate my heart is stronger than I thought it would be.
Thank you Allah for it to happen.
Its one thing to lie to everyone else that you are happy, but its another thing when you lie to yourself.
Up untill now the thing I most regret is that I lied to myself more often than I should have, I let myself believe its okay to be mistreated when I know what I'm worth. It may sound a bit selfish, but when would it be
selfish if its not disrupting other lives?
I have taken the experience too seriously and look what it brought me, nothing! If the other part is not giving you the treatment you should have, then why bother making them happy?.
Yes, you may say I'm just saying these things just for my benefit but look at it this way;
If he can use/ mistreat you now, who says he wont do it later when he has you 100% in control?
Even if you can live with his mistreatment in a few years, even if you know there is possibility of change, can you live like that for the next say 10 or 20 years of your life?
Can your heart really take it?
Well...what ever relationship that you have right now, may it be the best for you.
Never forget to pray for the best,
and in doubt always have someone who can be brutally honest to confide with.
If you still have the slightest doubt, even just a little, pray to Allah for guidance for He is the All- Knowing.
You would never know your weakness untill it happens,
It is never wrong to fall in love, but always remember, love is blind.
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